the complexity of simplicity

Sunday, April 19, 2009

wurdle

I threw my blog url into this link: http://www.wordle.net/
and it created this image based on the words I've used in blog posts. I love it!

Saturday, April 11, 2009

thoughts on transformation

Love is what transforms mind, body and spirit. Only someone who has been truly loved can Love others. When you are truly loved, it is not an action, word or touch towards you that makes you feel a certain way; rather, being truly loved is when Love indwells in you and you become one with Love, who is the God of the universe and the intimate lover of your soul.

Afterward, having been transformed and lit aflame, it is not that you are now supposed to love others, but rather, it is Love loving through you and you choosing to become less. You – once loved, must seek the death of your false striving-self and put it out of the way; this is what allows Love to flow through you unhindered and towards the other.

Once you've become less and died, this Love can permeate and exude such a light out of your presence, passion from your soul, it flashes out of your eyes and burns into another person’s soul through words, deeds and touch – until this Love then begins to indwell in the other. Once this happens in them and they seek to become less, Love can then burn back into your soul in a constant exchange of light and Love between souls. In this cycle, the three of you become one as Love is One. In the presence of such light, there is only Truth and no darkness. It is a light so bright which envelops all of you that you do not know and cannot see the difference between you, the other and Love. Therein lie unity, peace, reconciliation, joy, gentleness, selflessness and sacrificial surrender of self for the service of the other. You are three, yet you are one and you live and die to see the other lifted up, honored and served, while you continually seek to become less.

This cycle is all begun, this transformation of ashes to beauty, darkness to light, False self to a True self indwelled by Love, because you have first been loved as you are. You have allowed Love to transform you by offering Love your weak, needy, dependent self with undefended vulnerability.

Do you want to be transformed?

Sunday, March 29, 2009

a vision of transformational development

In a Christian understanding of development work, Christ is the Way, the method, the reality, the impetus, the tools, the solution and the goal. When a community of transformed people incarnates Him in everything we do, how we do it and wherever we go, we become a community of shalom wherein which righteous Love and justice reign; we become the vision of transformational development; we live out the Spirit-infused and empowered Kingdom reality as the alternative to the problem of the brokenness of people and their relationships with God, themselves, with each other and with the planet in this interconnected physical-spiritual system. Can we actually overcome the problem of poverty? Surely, we can provide for material needs, but poverty is so much more encompassing; it is wholistic brokenness: relational, spiritual and physical. On this side of mortality, we will always have poverty of spirit, sin, brokenness, a distorted sense of identity and vocations, and relational destructive patterns that kill the very life and unity of the community we try to create. We will always have an enemy that riles up our sinful tendencies and provokes people to act upon them. The more materially affluent people become, the less they seem to wake up desperate for God to help them through the day. A key to transformation then, is humility and downwardly descending into almost a suicide of self as we daily pray to become less that Christ may become more in us. A vision of transformational development involves first the willing, living sacrifice, surrender and death of self for the service of God and the other. As a popular song lyric reminds: “My God, my tourniquet; Christ, my suicide.” The prevailing vision of the Kingdom to come seems so far off, it is at times discouraging to be fully present in reality. Yet, this is what Christ asks us to do. We are to be fully present in the day called Today, inviting God into the moment at the same time as we live with the hope of a reality yet to be. We are called Today, by God, to join with Him into rest, into an embrace, into mourning, into rejoicing with those who rejoice, into suffering and rejection, into compassion, mercy and faith, hope and love, into a light load of carrying each other’s burdens; and we are asked to offer hospitality to all people as if we were receiving Christ into our presence. We must approach our personal and organizational partnerships with these practices and values in mind; and humbly make them our actions. Secondly, a vision of transformational development inspired by humility and sacrifice of self involves a process wherein we come up underneath someone and elevate them to a higher place, a place where they/God desires them to be, and wherein they become the focus of our spotlight of Love-inspired word, deed and sign. Holding them up, we also show them in word, deed and sign, a mirror of their God-given identity and allow them to also hold up a mirror to us. This elevating of the other involves listening to their story and discovering and reflecting back to them where God is seen to have been and is at work. Together, with mutual vulnerability, a new story can be written with the Spirit’s presence and redemptive activity.

Monday, March 02, 2009

birthpangs

Fr. Richard Rohr Daily Meditations:

All this is only the beginning of the birthpangs. Matthew 24:8, JB
"Birthpangs is an image of something painful that is bringing about something better. The price for bringing about something better is to go through the pain of birth. Male gods create by a flick of their creative finger. Female gods create by labor pains. Much of patriarchal Christian interpretation has been trying to avoid pain; it thought birthpangs were unnecessary. That's why we couldn't hear Jesus. If we had an image of God as the great Mother who is birthing, I think birthpangs would have been preached about a lot more. And a woman, at least a woman who has had a child, understands something I will never understand: the connection between pain and life."

Depending on the day, I've been saying, "Bring on the pain!" or "Dear Lord - just give me 1 second to breathe without the pain - I need a break"

Finding a balance between the two is the tension of life.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

I'm giving up ... for Lent ...and hopefully for good

Henri Nouwen's Daily Meditations

"We all have dreams about the perfect life: a life without pain, sadness, conflict, or war. The spiritual challenge is to experience glimpses of this perfect life right in the middle of our many struggles. By embracing the reality of our mortal life, we can get in touch with the eternal life that has been sown there. The apostle Paul expresses this powerfully when he writes: "We are subjected to every kind of hardship, but never distressed; we see no way out but we never despair; we are pursued but never cut off; knocked down, but still have some life in us; always we carry with us in our body the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus, too, may be visible in our ... mortal flesh" (2 Corinthians 4:8-12). Only by facing our mortality can we come in touch with the life that transcends death. Our imperfections open for us the vision of the perfect life that God in and through Jesus has promised us."

What am I giving up for Lent in preparation and rememberance of a death and resurrection? My expectations. Today is what it is. The weather, my job, my school, my life ...just is and God has something good for me in every moment. Granted, there are always things I'm working on bettering and I am an avid learner always seeking change, growth and challenge, but I am planning to make the best of what is, keep training for this endurance race called life and to experience fully whatever comes. I plan to invite God into every moment, because in every moment, He is already there, working for the formation of my character and for my ultimate good - regardless if I understand how that's all being done.

Monday, November 17, 2008

just living

In my experiences as a church attendee, church staffer, church volunteer, and as a missiological, ecclesiological, mystical and monastic wisdom-lover– I’ve experienced churches which tend to compartmentalize people and the Gospel to such an extent that it almost has no relevance anymore on everyday life. As Dallas Willard describes, churches have relegated the Gospel to simply “fire-insurance” and fill their pews with people looking to be saved from the fires of Hell, but lack any idea what role God should be playing in their lives in the here and now, much less how to invite God to truly be lord and master of their everyday relationships, decisions and resources. Secondly, people in church organizations are often categorized and database-filed by affinity, age, gender, critical needs, spiritual journey classification, or interest affiliation. While the classifications are helpful to some extent at determining how to direct limited church resources, these methods relegate a church to simply becoming a provider of religious goods and services (as aptly described in the book Missional Church edited by Darrel Guder) and only serve to further bring division as church leaders segregate and compartmentalize people and relationships. Rather than playing key roles in the ministry of reconciliation (reconciling one to another, and a community unto God – the perfect example of a community), churches instead become the main contributors of the problem of division and disunity. It has long been my dream to build something different – following the paths of other pioneers around the world and throughout history who have continually re-imagined what “can be”, despite the overwhelming presence of what “is”.

Ron Sider asks in Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger, “Is God biased in favor of the poor?” My fellow sojourners who espouse the dangers of the consumeristic, materialistic, non-wholistic, ethnocentric, wealthy, and comfortable American life would say so. They talk of relocating to abandoned places of the empire—poverty-stricken, typically non-white, ecologically and economically-challenged areas. In the presence of such impassioned and prophetic voices, I feel the need to clarify that not all are called to that mission (relocation to urban or even international locations), all of the time. My current calling is to develop my God-given gifts in graduate school, while being salt and light in the corporate cubicles of a Chicago business, to live economically in the suburbs and to learn to love my neighbors in an isolated community where it’s quite easy to live there for years and never know the name of the person directly across the street. My community development calling is to listen, love, and obey the voice of God where I’m at. My daily lifestyle is more of a challenge and hardship than if I were to relocate to the inner, urban city. By staying in the complacent suburbs and calling my fellow neighbors to awaken to the reality of how intricately their breakfast of Kellogg Corn Flakes and Chilean blueberries is connected to a family in poverty in the developing world, I need God desperately to help me love and not condemn, listen and not sermonize, and see my neighbors and coworkers without contempt, valuing them as fellow children of God. I think it might be too comfortable for me to move, too easy – for I’d be too prone to self-righteous pride were I an inner-city dweller of poverty and anonymity-renown. Yet, in my cubicle corporate city work and suburban home life, I am daily challenged to live in such a way that does not meld me, my home, my car, my food and my life’s rhythms into the grey backdrop of monotony and blandness that typifies the suburbs. Sider asks, “Does God command his people to have a special concern for the poor? In what ways does God identify with the poor?” I’m daily struggling to live out the obvious answers to those questions in a practical way. How should I, in my corporate job that’s paying for most of my grad school, still live the next three years in a manner consistent with my beliefs? Does making money now make me the disdain of my gypsy-vagabond, dumpster-diving, train-hopping, veggie-car driving, and passionate, prophetic compatriots? What should I do about the mentally-ill, homeless Becky who garbles her request for money to me as I pass her by on the bridge each day? How do I wisely allocate my time between God, personal health, family, friends, community, neighbors, researching what to buy that lines up with my values, learning how to make clothes and justice-minded, ecology-considerate and bodily-healthy food recipes, on top of working full-time and going to graduate school? It’s a daily struggle requiring a daily conversion and a sensitive ear to the voice of God who whispers direction, love, wisdom and truth in my ears – if only I’m listening with ears that hear and see Him everywhere with eyes that see.

Saturday, November 08, 2008

encourage one another

Spiritual disciplines, grad school homework, funerals, hurting friends, a full-time job, working out, serving projects, family drama, and my own personal drama sure do keep my time occupied - as I'm sure for you as well! I'm not sure how Americans stay sane considering our lifestyles that keep us hopping and always occupied - sometimes even good spiritual activities just seem like another appointment block on my Outlook calendar. It's one of the reasons why the regular practice of Sabbath has been crucial for my life. There is a time for work, for play and for rest and God is with me through all the sacred ordinariness of life. Although, at times, I am simply overwhelmed with the world's crises and injustices that just seem to be never ending and there is still much work to be done. Learning how to recharge and find balance is critical!

I heard a woman speak last night about an experience she had in an orphanage in Ghana. She walked into a concrete warehouse open room filled with hundreds of crying, crawling and walking infants under 3 years old. Being overwhelmed with the desire to pick one up, to comfort at least just one affection-starved child, she asked if she could hold one. She was stunned by the response - "No, don't! They'll get used to being held and they'll cry even more and it will make it even worse! But, come here, let us show you something."

They took her to a room off to the side of the open warehouse where she could smell sweet perfume coming from under the door. They cracked the door open where she could see an older white-haired woman sitting on a mat on the floor, surrounded by candles and sweet perfume oils. This woman was holding one baby, massaging its back with perfumed oil and the baby had a wide-eyed look of ecstasy - soaking it all in! She was told that each baby gets two hours each week in the "holding room of intense compassion".

You may not have the capacity to hold the entire world's pain in your arms, but to whom are you called to offer love, compassion and holding? To whomever that is, I encourage you to do it intensely and surround yourselves with people who will support your arms when they become too heavy to hold anymore!

I pray that you are enjoying God and the divine work He has invited you into and that your life is filled with fellow God-lovers and laborers who will encourage your journey when you become weary! Wherever the disciples went, they encouraged one another. May we strive to do the same today as we are no less in need of encouragement!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

injustice

When I hear about or experience injustice, I am so angered that I want to scream the story to whoever will hear! But lately, when the injustice has been towards me, I've sensed God's nudging to be silent. In time, God will reveal all truth and open eyes and unstop ears that are not hearing or seeing. Mother Theresa's quote that I posted a few days ago reminds me to keep on giving despite my latest temptation to be bitter and angry. When I've chosen to continue to give, that's me dying to myself and allowing Christ to further live through me towards that other person. I pray that maybe they'll experience the extravagant love and grace of God through my death. I explained to a friend tonight the reasons why I am still giving to someone as - me having the belief that the Christian response to being wounded should be "here's the other half of my heart - stab me there too; when you've been struck on one cheek - offer them the other". Choosing to give, choosing to love, choosing to give more - when you've been unjustly treated - that's something I'm trying to do - that I may become less so that He may become more in me.

May I continue to die that I might live.

grateful

I’m grateful today for

the faithful presence of Truth and Divine Love in my life
friends who remind me of Him
mentors who tell me what decades of life and perspective will teach
fair trade coffee with pumpkin pie spice creamer
the smell of cinnamon raisen toast and fresh baked bread
ginger peach tea
fall leaves crunching under my feet
compassionate strangers and future friends
theology pub discussion this weekend
a new red dress from a friend who cares
blooming flowers in my home
apple cidar and apple cidar donuts from the orchard
sweet vanilla candles and citrus lotion
pumpkin carving party
Ella Fitzgerald and Beirut
Trader Joe’s creamy tomato basil soup
beautiful photography
plans for Christmas decorating

A quote from Richard Rohr:

“People in the western world have been trained in power and performance but not imperfection, detachment, letting go and least of all surrender. Surrender, to western people, sounds like losing when it's actually accessing a deeper, broader sense of the self which is already content and abundant. Once you move to that level of deeper contentment and deeper abundance you simply can't be drawn easily into these scarcity models—I'm not enough, this is not enough—you are overwhelmed by enoughness!”

Monday, October 27, 2008

blindness

I have had dreams about spiritual blindness these past 7 months. Here are some of the lessons I’ve been learning as I’m trying to extend Christ’s love to the blind.

You can’t argue with a blind man over the color of the sky. Don’t try. Love him anyway, even if what he believes he sees isn’t the same color as what you see. Truth will always come into the light.

Extending God's grace is like forgiving a blind man who steps on your toe, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Blindness and a hardening of the heart is something that God sometimes allows and even causes for his divine purposes. I haven’t yet figured out why. But sometimes, blind people stumble into good things that they may have logically avoided when they had sight. Maybe God allows/causes certain spiritual blindness so that his kids stumble onto his good plans – when they previously thought they were seeing his path all along.

The truest thing I know about blindness is that it’s a temporary condition.

People who are blind will one day wake up and realize what they haven’t been seeing.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

...do it anyway

I found the following quote on a friend of a friend's facebook - someone I don't even know. But, it hit me hard today and is exactly what I needed to hear.

"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway."
- Mother Teresa

I also wanted to share the following poem from Rumi, a Suffi mystic from a long ago century who writes a lot about union with God - Divine Love. His poetry has been echoing the cry of my soul lately in very deep ways.

"In Every Breath"

in every breath

if you're the center

of your own desires

you'll lose the grace of your beloved

but if in every breath

you blow away your self claim

the ecstasy of love will soon arrive

in every breath

if you're the center of your own thoughts

the sadness of autumn will fall on you

but if in every breath

you strip naked like a winter

the joy of spring

will grow from within

all your impatience comes from the push

for gain of patience

let go of the effort

and peace will arrive

all your unfulfilled desires are from your greed

for gain of fulfillments

let go of them all

and they will be sent as gifts

fall in love with

the agony of love

not the ecstasy

then the beloved

will fall in love with you

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Yes!

I received the email below today from a fellow intercessor in Russia, who has been battling life and death for the past year after a stroke left him unable to speak, which he slowly has regained in ability. Upon reading this email, I burst into tears. I'd just been reflecting on Mother Theresa's dark night of the soul of going through pain and wondering where is God's voice and hope and joy in the midst of it all. There has to be something good in this life that makes all the pain worth going through. I heard a sermon yesterday about the prophet Eljiah who was so discouraged that he went out into the desert and sat under a tree to die. I've had quite a few moments like that lately. But, I will trust God. I cannot see what tomorrow will bring. Yet will I trust God.

----------------------------------------------------

Email --

The Lord spoke to me.

It was HUGE. He didn’t say a lot, but it was huge. I wept and kept saying, “Was that really You?” His voice was so… SILENT; it took my breath away.

He loved on me, and scared me. I sensed the awe and the fear of God. He really wants our obedience. Nevertheless, He is gracious and always willing give us help in time of need. Now I am all right. One encounter with Him is enough to change my attitude completely.

Most people have no idea what it means to me to hear His voice. This trial was like being in the desert with water for a whole year, but now I almost delirious with joy. He still hasn’t said what I’m to do, but He has my attention and will let me know His good pleasure when the time comes. I can wait.

Now I have something to tell you that’s hard. Don’t be alarmed. I have a slight cataract in my right eye. I’m putting some ghastly eye drops in my eyes, and I am to see a neurologist about this in the morning. The Lord broke this news to me gently at the eye doctor’s office, and He immediately assured me that He would take care of this. I have do doubt that He will, and I have no fear at all.

You see, during this trial He can came to aid and performed some skillful surgery on me. I was adamant: “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.” (Job 13:15) Though I had my doubts; though I whined and wondered whether I would ever learn to spell again, still I knew that my God is faithful. He could do no other. As a result, my faith has gotten stronger… even more than I myself could have dreamed.

So don’t be alarmed. “And my God will supply all my needs… and that according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” (Phi. 4:19)

I still have a lot of issues, but the main thing is that God knows, and He cares.

I try to back to you right away.

Grace upon grace!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

suicide in Lisle

Yesterday morning, a man was killed by a commuter train at my train stop just before I arrived there. Today, I learned that he hopped a track and a fence to throw himself in front of the express train coming down the middle track. I reflected on what I would have done had I arrived 15 min earlier and been standing on the sidewalk when he bent down to start running across the first track. What would I have yelled when I would have seen him climb over the middle fence and heard the approaching train's horn? Would I have yelled at all? What would I have said? Would there have been enough time to even react? I found myself getting emotional this morning about the depression, the pain and the lonliness this man must have felt.

I would have wanted to scream over and over and over again, "You're not alone! You are loved!" and held out my arms until maybe he would have turned around and come back to the sidewalk.

I want my life to be about making sure hurting (all) people know those two things. When I die, I want people to say about me that I played a role in connecting them to the God who never abandons us and loves us with no abandon. I want to have reflected those qualities of God to others in some small way, traveling with people through everything that life entails, never abandoning them and for them to have been aware that they were loved.

I want my life to speak loudly to people God's words to us - "You are NOT alone! You are loved! I'm here! Come to me! Let me love you! Let me dwell within you and fill your emptiness and comfort your pain! Let me make you whole! Let me walk with you and talk with you every hour of the day! Tell me everything you're thinking and feeling. Direct even your random thoughts to me - I care to hear all of them! Tell me about the flower that just you noticed or the odd way that the tree curved. Tell me about the food you're hungry for and the fun you've got planned. I am with you and want to enjoy it with you. We are one. Tell me about the the fragrance in the air and what it reminded you of. I knew it would make you smile! Tell me about the conversations you imagine how they'll go and the situations at work that make you angry. Tell me about the one you love. Tell me about the one that makes you grit your teeth and the one that makes you laugh and feel free to twirl around barefoot. I'm here. You're not alone. You are loved."

Broken Lyrics

Monday, August 11, 2008

Feeling God

God is ever present in Today's sensory experiences! I have enjoyed Him today

in the morning sun and cool breezes,

in tiramisu and cinnamon coffee creamer coloring my fair trade Peruvian coffee,

a morning and evening reading of some inspiring Psalms,

fresh blueberries and almonds in my cereal,

free coffee at work and influencing someone there to make sure my commodity trading company purchases "fair trade" coffee

being called a foxy lady by someone I know who means it,

being complimented by a co-worker whom I hardly know that - I'm coming alive and becoming more and more beautiful,

a gift of homemade mango habanero salsa from my brother,

Ella Fitzgerald and Carmen McRae music in my ear all day at work,

pilates and yoga and the elliptical machine,

burning through 1 1/2 flute books in 1 week and enjoying every minute of practice,

mini-golf plans for Friday night,

personal strength training session setup for Thurs night,

spicy ginger chicken for dinner that marinated for 2 days cooked in a 60 year-old black iron skillet from my grandmother served over thai basmati rice,

with a side of my mom's homegrown cucumbers topped with fresh cracked black pepper and organic balsamic vinegar,

finished off with Trader Joe's red wine, and

the smell of black beans boiling for the rest of the week's lunches,

along with the sound of a friend's voice in my ear on the phone.

I felt un-explainably joyous today! I didn't try for it, expect it and can't explain what I've been thinking about that made me feel this. I am just grateful and exclaiming such to my Abba! Thanks for another special day!

Saturday, August 09, 2008

Sabbaths

I love my Saturdays! Today, I spent the first half of the day resting, reading and enjoying an unrushed breakfast and homemade latte. At noon, I headed to the monastery for lunch with some new friends, talking about peace and justice and hospitality. Then, I spent 2 hours helping a Sister with some gardening and landscaping. Upon arriving home (dirty and dusty and feeling good), I sat and enjoyed two great telephone conversations with other friends while listening to the downpouring rain. Ah! It was beautiful! My friend and I have decided that we are going to frequently ask each other, "What is true today" in an effort to keep our feet on the ground and out of the dreamy clouds of the future. Between discussing a vision for a ministry project that could be years down the road, and relationship stories, it's really good to focus simply on what we know in the present moment and not get into speculating about things we can't know! I told her about a friend of mine who most impacted my life the last two years by constantly loving people well in the present moment and bringing me back to "Today" rather than the dreamy future I have so often lived in. An hour later, after reading more of Thomas Keating's book "Open Mind, Open Heart" and cat-napping for a bit, I cleaned and organized my home, baked 2 loaves of bread, made a veggie soup with homegrown veggies, sipped yerbamate tea, caught up on personal finances, and worked on some homework for my grad school class.

What a lovely gift of a day! Thank you, God!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

a monastic heart

Joan Chittister writes in today’s reflections on the Rule of St. Benedict

“At the same time, work is not what defines the Benedictine. It is the single-minded search for God that defines Benedictine spirituality. That is what the monastic pursues behind every other pursuit. That is what gives the monastic life meaning. That is what frees the monastic heart. The monastic does not exist for work. Creative and productive work are simply meant to enhance the Garden and sustain us while we grow into God.

In today's culture in which people are identified more by what they do than what they are, this is a lesson of profound importance. Once the retirement dinner is over and the company watch is engraved, there has to be something left in life that makes us human and makes us happy or life may well have been in vain. That something, Benedictine spirituality indicates, is a mind and a heart full of a sense of meaning and an instinct for God.”

After an intense 3 weeks in South Africa of learning, discussing, socializing with like-minded followers of Christ and growing tremendously, I am now back to work at a corporation, sitting silently, working at a computer keeping track of billions of dollars that come through hundreds of bank accounts. But, the learning, discussing, socializing and growing is not over, it just looks different now. In the midst of the monotony, I am impressed upon with the sense that I must silently sit and work for the glory of God. There is purpose in the daily grind and beauty to be found in every moment, if only I am to open my eyes and see with eyes that truly see. I am basking in such a sense of gratitude for the past two years of my life, all of the good and the bad moments that made me who I am today – for the people that put up with me, endured me, supported me, believed in me, encouraged me, loved me, motivated me, laughed with me and hugged me while I cried. Thank you for what you’ve taught me about God, myself and what love is supposed to look like on a daily basis. God knew what I needed and what I was going to go through and sent me exactly the right people to journey with me. For some, that journey with me is over, a new season has begun and they are now moving on, and for others, they are daily rejoicing with and for me about the story of God that is still being written upon my life. They are painting a picture of hope and the goodness of God in my life that fills me with gratitude for the past, great expectations for the future and joy in the present.

I am grateful. I am joyous. I am sorrowful. I am ecstatic. I am free to be fully alive!

Monday, July 28, 2008

love once said to me

St. Theresa of Avila said, “Love once said to me, ‘I know a song, would you like to hear it?’ And laughter came from every brick in the street and from every pore in the sky.”

She also said, “Just these two words He spoke changed my life: ‘Enjoy me’.”

I want to dance and sing and twirl my skirt around in the grass barefoot! I want to lie down in the grass and stare at the clouds and trees and let my thoughts wander. I want to take pictures of the beauty all around me and frame it for my walls. I want to seek out a new soundtrack for my life and discover new musicians and songs that move me inside! I want to go to art exhibits and be inspired to hope for a better world. I want to paint and stitch and create beauty in all I do! I want to watch old movies in parks, learn to play an Irish jig and a soulfully moving melody on the flute, experiment with new cooking recipes, host dinner parties and deliver home-made bread to my friends. I want to try new wines, cheeses, chocolates and stir-fry sauces. I want to paint my home with the colors of nature and do yoga on my patio overlooking the lake. I want to be surrounded by colorful flowers and a multitude of vibrant green plants. I want to learn to rock climb and roller-blade. I want to eat my lunch every day by the Chicago canal, close my eyes and throw my head back to welcome the warmth of the sun and the breezes on my face. I want to learn, live, laugh and love – extremely, vibrantly, and passionately!

I want to enjoy life to its fullest, because I feel fully alive!

Each day, I am listening for His song and enjoying Him! I am being romanced by the lover of my soul. In this moment, I am so loved and I am basking in the joy that it brings to my life. For the last two years, I have been a drag – to myself and to others – a fatigued and difficult person to be around. And now, it feels so good to be reborn and to have healthy rhythms that are so life-giving!

Many people are surprised at how well I seem to be doing, considering some circumstances that have been going on. But, God is the only person I can ever say I can never live without and I’m living that truly, madly, deeply, each day!

Friday, July 25, 2008

plans and fun stuff

I have so many exciting things coming up this summer to look forward to! I am going to be getting involved in a women’s Bible study, hanging out at the Benedictine monastery/assisted living facility, volunteering with a dear friend at a vulnerable children’s organization in Lockport, catching up with friends and buying another wardrobe when fall comes around since I gave away all my old clothes! Last week, I was shopping and accompanied by two amazing women who have been such an encouragement to me the last year. They shopped with me over two days and helped me buy an entire new summer wardrobe. And now, the jeans I bought before I left for South Africa no longer fit, so I have to go shopping this weekend again!

Plus, I’m really looking forward to outdoor movies at Grant Park in August: “An Affair to Remember” and “Grease” (one of my favorite childhood movies). Last night, I was at a concert at the Wheaton bandshell (something we did a lot when I was younger since my mom played in the Wheaton Municipal Band); and tonight, I’m heading out to a Lebanese restaurant with an out of town guest from Australia and family! I am also going to the Chicago Summer Dance for free professional dance lessons and then a night of dancing in Grant Park! Ahhhh!! So fun!!!!!!

Tomorrow, I have plans with another really encouraging friend to shop at the local farmer’s market for fresh fruit/veggies and then we’re heading to Morton Arboretum for their Japanese celebration and biking. It’s so good to be back and be surrounded by such amazing opportunities and people!

By Christmas, I should hit my physical fitness goals and move into a more reasonable maintenance stage of lifestyle. I am still having a blast experimenting with new cooking recipes and exploring some new hobbies! Someone (who’s Korean) from work is going to teach me how to make Korean sauces and dishes and I’ve got a vegan dinner party that’s going on the calendar soon too! A Thai refugee high school student that my mom is tutoring offered to cook Thai food for my family, so I’ll be learning how to make some Thai dishes as well. I start flute lessons this Sunday, am taking a hip hop dance class and looking for a needlepoint project to start. I am in a great pilates class twice a week and will start meeting with a personal trainer to do some strength training as well. I’m also walking 3 miles a day to the train and back home in addition to my regular exercise classes at the health club. I’ve started swimming as well, which for many people who know me is one of the most exhilarating feelings for me! I love the water!

Coming back home and dealing with jet lag this past week has also really been good! It means that I go to sleep early and wake up earlier. Every morning this week, I’ve had time to make caramel soy lattes for myself and enjoy breakfast and a spiritual reflection time as the sun rises. It’s been great to have that time!

Thank you to all the women in my life right now who are so encouraging to me and praying for me and without whom I would not be doing well! God has been sheltering me, guarding my heart, comforting and guiding me forward. He is faithful and never changes his mind about wanting to be near us and love us! It feels so secure and safe to know that and inspires in me such great joy in the midst of difficult times!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

losing

I’m still moody and one minute I’m okay, the next I’m not. I sense God speaking so clearly so often now about exactly what I need to hear. Two nights ago, I was holding an object that held some memories while debating my options about moving to another city, state or country, and I was reminded that I should carry my story with me, not leave it behind, try to get rid of it, forget it or even hide it away in a box.

So, today, I’m carrying that object with me as a reminder of the person I’m becoming because of the story of the past few years of my life. I am irrevocably changed and grateful in huge measure for the person I’ve become and am becoming because of the influence of other people in my life and God’s transforming powerful, loving presence.

I’ve also adopted a new name (along with a new wardrobe considering none of my old clothes fit anymore – due to an exercise/eating plan that I’ve been on for the last four months and am still on). I will be introducing myself as Kris going forward. Many of my closest friends and family already call me that anyway, so it will stick easily! I have a lot of reasons for the name change, but the main one is just a reminder that I have died and been reborn. I must continue to become less so that Christ can become more in me. The shortened version of my name reminds me that I must become less each day and continue to die to what I want in order to truly let Love flow out of me. Everything I’m doing seems so counter-intuitive, but I’m at peace knowing that as the people of God, we will plan our steps, but God will ultimately direct our course in the end – the story is still unwritten.

Two months ago, I was warned in a dream about a spirit of competition and winning. I was told by someone in the dream that I wasn’t as competitive and that’s why I lost and I was being egged on to fight back and try to win. And, in the dream, the object of the contest was unaware and blinded to all that was going on and the true intentions of the hearts (as this person egging me on had become someone other than their true self in order to win).

I won’t compete. Loving means losing and sacrificing what I want for the benefit of another and that’s what I plan to do. I will lose.

I sense God’s timing and control over my life and the situations surrounding it. Everything seems divinely ordained and ordered right now. I couldn’t have wished for better timing for anything that happened!

Monday, July 21, 2008

I'm back and loving life!

I’m back from South Africa and I am feeling amazing! My life has just been vaulted forward in so many ways. I’m joyfully exuberant and ready for the new season ahead of me! It’s so exciting because my future is such a blank slate right now – anything is possible! After having been through such deep valleys the last four months, I am renewed with such a confidence and joy and trust that with God I can face anything to come – and I believe what will come is good! I met such amazing people in South Africa and grew tremendously in many ways.

As of yesterday, I feel absolutely set free from so much that was holding me back during the last four months and am really thrilled to be moving on and forward! Much of the last four months were filled with many questions and it was a time of waiting, but now I can move forward! Woohoooooo!! I know where I’m headed, what I want and I have great companions to travel with.

Plus, I have an entirely new wardrobe as of this past weekend! I was waiting until I returned to give away 99% of my old clothes and shoes! I feel AMAZING and have the new clothes and shoes now to go with the new person I’ve become!

During the last four months of a desert journey, I have grown in such deep ways; I feel I’ve aged years. I view and interact with people really differently and have great new friends that I’ve made along this journey! I love them to pieces and they’ve been such an encouragement to me! Now, I’m just looking forward to having some fun, learning in my classes that will continue online, getting plugged back into some volunteer roles, staying in the monastery Oblate program, and working!

I am just beaming today!

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Update from South Africa

After a very intense and stressful month of June focusing on assignments for my MBA Economic Development, I arrived in Stellenbosch, South Africa, just outside of Cape Town on June 29th. I am staying in the student dorms on the posh campus of Stellenbosch University. Plus, I’ve somehow lucked out that I do not have a roommate until the last 3 days of my 3 week trip here. God knew that I needed a transition from the 3 months of spiritual desert and solitude that I’ve been pursuing to being thrust into packed days of socializing and passionate discourse.
My MBA classes are meeting in the Faculty of Theology building where the theological foundations of apartheid were originally formed and defended. It is truly an amazing display of the redemptive nature of God that He would allow Eastern University’s Economic Development master’s programs which focus on faith, reason and justice to meet in the very rooms where theologians previously met to create the South African systems of injustice and racial segregation. This redemption involving a location reminds me of a verse that stuck out to me a few months back because of a dream I had: paraphrased it reads – “in the very place where I said you are not my children, I will then say you are now my children, and embrace you once again”. I was struck that it somehow seemed important to God that the reconciliation was to take place in the very spot where the rejection took place. I recognized that sometimes locations, smells, and even sounds or objects are important triggers for people as those memories are connected to deep woundedness. While healing can take place anywhere, it’s been my experience of God in my own life that He has redeemed some negative memories by creating positive ones in the very same places or situations where the first negative memories had happened.

This university campus was the place where many wounds were born and which further instigated rejection, segregation, and marred identities. Yet, now, a justice program born out of faith and a spirit of reconciliation can train, equip and send people into many nations. This campus is now a place that is birthing dreams and visions of reconciliation, made possible by the hands and feet of many laborers, who are saying, “Yes, Lord. I am listening. Send me.”
With a new Stellenbosch theology faculty and a new partnership with Eastern University (St. Davids, PA), students from all over the world and almost every continent are here each summer to learn about development. What is development? We spent 8 hours talking about that one day and I’ll leave that subject for another time. (My own very short definition of development, which really needs further linguistic unpacking: “Listen and Love.”) Our classes have delved deep into hearty and well-experienced (not just well-informed) discussions about what and why is "poverty" (in every sense of the term, not just economic poverty) and who are the poor that Jesus was referring to as blessed; who are the rich that Jesus was cautioning. We’ve deconstructed definitions of the “poor” and talked about what it means to be made “imago dei” -- in the image of God. We’ve debated the what, why and how’s of community and economic development - and I've only had 3 out of 5 classes so far! Above all, the richest aspects this program are my classmates and the faculty who are so gifted at facilitating powerful, transformational discussions (where God is ever-present forming and reforming our paradigms and theologies and ways of interacting).

Outside of class during our meal times, I sit among citizens and workers in the Congo, El Salvador, Swaziland, Malawi, South Africa, Indonesia, United States, Zimbabwe, Zambia, Canada, Mexico, Nicaragua…and more!! These people have decades of experience working in situations from inner-cities to the suburbs, and from slums of abject poverty to corporate wealthy environments. For many people, English is not their first language and I cannot make assumptions about word choices thinking that everyone knows what I’m talking about. For that reason, everyone has to make an extra effort to communicate in such a way that we speak not only to be heard, but we ask questions about what others have heard us say in order to ensure that we have also been understood. One of the professors said in our orientation a week ago Sunday that we would never again be in the same place as the same person. This program will forever change the way we interact with people, view people, understand our stories and the story of God. My plans and hopes for the realities of the future that I had dreamt about previously (even as vague as they were when I arrived here) were even further greyed. But then, they were brought by God back into focus with more colors, clarity and dimension. Yet, still, we all see dimly and need God to guide our present, daily steps and decisions. Already, I feel I have discovered more words to wrap around this vague sense of my calling, and am able to articulate more of what I feel God is stirring in me. The specific “what” and “how” of my dreams for the future will come later, along the way as I follow God in the process of sojourning, but I am so ecstatic that my ideas about the “who” are now fueling me to learn and have given me direction about where to research.

Today in class, we had to share in a small group about some of the significant spiritual milestones in our lives that have drawn us closer to the Creator of the universe, as well as significant markers along the way that prompted our hearts toward compassion, justice and development. I made a short list and sat back simply astounded to see the story and work of God in my life starting at a very young age. God’s story or work in my life in the context of my own chronological experiences renewed in me astonishment and gratitude for Him and others who participated quite patiently in my formation. I’ve written out timelines of my life before and had similar experiences, so I wasn’t expecting any new revelations this time around. Yet, I see now what the last 3 months were in my life as the culmination of something that God has been working on in me for years. I told a dear friend recently that I have died and am no longer the same person. He said that it was quite bold of me to say that and asked how I could be so sure. I compared it to a re-conversion and I’m not sure how else to describe what the past 3 months have been for me. I simply am no longer the same person, yet I still have to resist some old habits of reacting and interacting that belonged to that old person. This is not to say that I have arrived at a place where I can say God’s work is in any way complete, but when I return home again, I am very aware that I am entering into a new season of life, of which I have great expectations!

Saturday, June 14, 2008

come and listen

I penned the following in my journal last year. The voice speaking is from the perspective of God calling you to come and listen.

Hear me my Beloved!

You are precious. I delight in you. You make me smile! I am pleased with you, come to me, allow me to love you, come to me with undefended vulnerability. Allow my love to transform you in ways that are unimaginable and supernatural. Let my light fill your soul with life and with love. Let me in you be your joy, your comfort, your teacher, your shepherd, your friend. You are my beloved, I long for your presence, I’m jealous for your attention, for your thoughts to notice me in you as you go about your daily work that I’ve given you. Your quiet time with me is not like a gas station that is supposed to fuel you for the day. I want to be the fuel you come to minute-by-minute. Ask me for direction, ask me to help you make decisions in your ministry – not once a day, but in the moment. I am a consuming fire, a jealous lover and I long for you to invite me into your every waking thought and into your nighttime dreams. I long to speak words of love to you. Only my love – only Me—is what will satisfy you! Your community, your family, your work – all these things I’ve given to you – I’ve shared you with them for my pleasure and your delight. You are my child, my beloved – invite me not only once into your life, study me not only in written form, sing to me not only once a week, receive fresh revelation not only through my prophets – those who speak my words to comfort, edify and exhort my Church – come to ME directly, be still and know that I am – I am your everything, I am He who loves you, longs for you, is pleased with you and knows every fiber of your being and passing thought in your mind, every fleeting emotion in your heart. I alone am the One.

Drink in my fragrance, sip of my life, eat at my table, of my body. I’ve prepared a place to honor you. Humble yourself and I will make my Name known through you. Come, come to me. Envision me reaching out to you. Approach my throne with confidence. Leave shame, accept forgiveness. You are worthy to be loved, you are a saint, holy, righteous and dearly loved. You have been justified, the work has been done. You are no longer a slave to sin. You are blameless in my sight – live and walk and accept that you are already these things. You are in me and I in you. You cannot stop the work I’ve began in you. I will complete it, just come to me. My presence is what will change you. I desire to reveal to you great mysteries, deep is calling to deep, I am what you lack. Numb yourself no longer to desire. Trust me with the intensity and fullness of who I have made you to be. Trust me with the deep longings of your heart – I put them there – not to torment you with their unfulfillment, but so that you would draw close to me that I could unleash great plans for you and fill you with hope and exhileration of even more – things you can’t possibly imagine. I love you, I love you. You are mine and I am yours. Let me into your depths, invite me into your thoughts, spend uninterrupted time with me, don’t hurry to be someplace else. Those things are not what I can be to you. Fill your soul with my breath and everything you set your hands to will prosper. I will prepare a way for you, I will usher you into the presence of the great so that all may come to know me. I will grant you favor, but come to me. I will do these things. I will work and strive and plan and dream with you. Join me in my dreams for you. They are not burdensome-they already line up with your deepest desires, some that you have yet to discover because I have not revealed to you those depths of your heart yet. My life flows quickly, unhindered—nothing can separate you from me – your burden is light – float along my river and I will carry you places – and it will not be of your own striving.

Come to me, listen to what I would have to say to you through you story, through the people around you. Listen. Listen. Come.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

strange dreams

I had another strange dream last night! I’ve been having quite a few lately and most are further motivating me to prayer for various things going on in my life or in other people’s lives. This dream involved a female monk (but, she was in a typical casual attire – tiny frame, short and dark straight hair) that I and another guy were seeking guidance from; there were 3 hidden exit passageways that the monk showed me how she came and went from the room where she was sitting, and outside there was an elevated moving walkway heading into a bad part of the city where there was a guy dealing drugs on it. As I don’t watch TV and have been rarely watching movies, I’m not sure where the imagery would be coming from in this dream. I tend to pay attention to my dreams, especially because there are certain times that they just stay with me and are meaningful to me or to others. If you have any thoughts as to the symbolism, let me know!

On another note: my life as I knew it is now over for the next 3 years! Today, I just received the syllabus for the courses that I’m taking in South Africa as part of my MBA - Economic Development. I have so many papers and books and chapters and articles to read in the next 4 weeks, I will be living and breathing these classes! I’m not sure how it will all get done, but it must. Pray for me!

Today it seems, all the daily readings are focused on my will vs. the will of God. I’m contemplating what it means to really die to my own desires. How do I still desire something, but yet die to it? How do I pray for God’s will and not my own (outside of just mouthing those words)?

That’s all for now! Today is day 60 of my desert journey and I’m still deep in the midst of the desert heat…there’s been a few oases here and there, but I’m still painfully growing and realizing things. Onward!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

dependent on love

I have been just filled with joy this morning and all last night! I could barely sleep because I wanted to just sing and dance around! Silly me!

Today’s meditation by Henri Nouwen is quite relevant to what I’ve been so grateful for lately:

Jesus' Compassion
“Jesus is called Emmanuel which means "God-with-us" (see Matthew 1: 22-23). The great paradox of Jesus' life is that he, whose words and actions are in no way influenced by human blame or praise but are completely dependent on God's will, is more "with" us than any other human being.

Jesus' compassion, his deep feeling-with us, is possible because his life is guided not by human respect but only by the love of his heavenly Father. Indeed, Jesus is free to love us because he is not dependent on our love.”

I am loved regardless…! That has made me exquisitely happy and it make me feel so free to love back, imperfectly so, but the freedom it brings it so exhilarating!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

love has won

Love has won! I've had another fabulous day. At every turn, I've been encountered with Divine Love. Wise counsel follows me, advising me to give all, surrender all, sacrifice all, risk all - for the sake of Love. Love isn't about what I'm getting or not getting, what I deserve or don't deserve, it's about what I'm giving and surrendering, regardless if it's received or returned. It's a beautiful place of content and beauty to just give and give, and be truly okay with the unknown. God's purposes prevail! Love always wins over selfishness if we're surrendered to His moment-by-moment voice. We love because we've been first loved by God and only when we've encountered his love and grace for ourselves can we extend it to others. Lately, I've had those powerful encounters and feel overflowing with compassion, mercy, forgiveness, and I care more about living ethically to what I feel committed, than what I might receive or not receive. That's risky, scary, vulnerable and opens me up to potential harm. But, I trust God immensely with my life, my heart, my soul. So, I'll risk it to obey.

battlefield for the love of Christ in a human soul

Yesterday, I had an absolutely fabulous day! I am more than ever grateful for the events that have happened in my recent past, which have drawn me ever so close to the lover of my soul, my Abba. Lately, my dreams send multiple warnings and call me to prayer for those I love. So, I've continued to add my prayers towards a spiritual battle for the character and love of Christ that is at stake of being tempted away through worldly counsel and deceptive and competitive intentions. I am grateful to know Love and I am holding strong to the love of the Father, who keeps on giving, no matter how many times I don’t measure up. That is grace! I don't just know that God extends grace, I've experienced it and it is beautiful to be its recipient!

God reminded me of the following verses over the last few days and they've been my meditation and consolation as I trust Him during these uncertain times.

Proverbs 16:9 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps. "

Philippians 2:3 "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves."

God is sovereign and his purposes will prevail. He is the only one that I can say I can never live without and I can say that has become so true for me lately, having lost much in this life!

Today’s meditation on the Rule of St. Benedict was especially meaningful to me:

Jan. 19 - May 20 - Sept. 19

Your way of acting should be different from the world's way; the love of Christ must come before all else. You are not to act in anger or nurse a grudge. Rid your heart of all deceit. Never give a hollow greeting of peace or turn away when someone needs your love. Bind yourself to no oath lest it prove false, but speak the truth with heart and tongue.

The end of Benedictine spirituality is to develop a transparent personality. Dissimulation, half answers, vindictive attitudes, a false presentation of self are all barbs in the soul of the monastic. Holiness, this ancient Rule says to a culture that has made crafty packaging high art, has something to do with being who we say we are, claiming our truths, opening our hearts, giving ourselves to the other pure and unglossed. Shakespeare's Hamlet noted once: "A man can smile and smile and be a villain." Benedict is intent on developing people who are what they seem to be.

"Do not repay one bad turn with another (1 Thes 5:15; 1 Pt 3:9)." Do not injure anyone, but bear injuries patiently. "Love your enemies (Mt 5:44; Lk 6:27)." If people curse you, do not curse them back but bless them instead. "Endure persecution for the sake of justice (Mt 5:10)."

A peacemaker's paragraph, this one confronts us with the Gospel stripped and unadorned. Nonviolence, it says, is the center of the monastic life. It doesn't talk about conflict resolution; it says, don't begin the conflict. It doesn't talk about communication barriers; it says, stay gentle even with those who are not gentle with you. It doesn't talk about winning; it talks about loving.

Most of all, perhaps, it offers us no false hope that all these attempts will really change anything. No, it says instead that we must be prepared to bear whatever blows it takes for the sake of justice, quietly, gently, even lovingly with never a blow in return.

A story from the Far East recounts that a vicious general plundered the countryside and terrorized the villagers. He was, they said, particularly cruel to the monks of the place, whom he despised.

One day, at the end of his most recent assault, he was informed by one of his officers that, fearing him, all the people had already fled the town, with the exception of one monk who had remained in his monastery going about the order of the day.

The general was infuriated at the audacity of the monk and sent the soldiers to drag him to his tent.

"Do you not know who I am?" he roared at the monk, "I am he who can run you through with a sword and never bat an eyelash."

But the monk replied quietly, "And do you not know who I am? I am he who can let you run me through with a sword and never bat an eyelash."

Nonviolence plunges the monastic into the core of Christianity and allows for no rationalizations. Monastic spirituality is Christianity to the hilt. It calls for national policies that take the poor into first account; it calls for a work life that does not bully underlings or undercut the competition; it calls for families that talk to one another tenderly; it calls for a foreign policy not based on force. Violence has simply no place in the monastic heart.

"You must not be proud, nor be given to wine (Ti 1:7; I Tm 3:3)." Refrain from too much eating or sleeping, and "from laziness (Rom 12:11)." Do not grumble or speak ill of others.

In the Tao Te Ching it reads:
Be content with what you have;
rejoice in the way things are,
When you realize there is nothing lacking
the whole world belongs to you.

Benedict reminds us, too, that physical control and spiritual perspective are linked: pride and gluttony and laziness are of a piece. We expect too much, we consume too much and we contribute too little. We give ourselves over to ourselves. We become engorged with ourselves and, as a result, there is no room left for the stripped down, stark and simple furniture of the soul.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

fatigue recovery

I am daily making a recovery from fatigue. It began about mid-December and got to its high point in mid-March. Mainly, my fatigue came from lack of sleep, poor boundaries, not enough alone time and huge stresses at work in fighting some unhealthy situations which were followed by multiple visits to HR and preparing to look for another job if my efforts were unsuccessful. Ultimately I decided that I was going to have to leave my position. But, 4-5 people left the company during March and April and things are dramatically better! And, the situations I was resisting have now completely reversed!

The fatigue impaired my perception of myself and others. Now that I am daily recovering due to drastic changes in spiritual disciplines, eating, sleeping, and exercise rhythms, my eyes see the truth much more clearly of what was a previously muddled situation. Sometimes I just want to kick myself over and over. If only… Why just now do I realize…? Ergh!

The pain of the realizations hasn’t decreased, it’s still going. By the end of this desert journey I’ve undertaken, I will have spent 6 months living in a state of distress: part negative living and part positively establishing new habits and abolishing old ones. I’m overwhelmed just thinking about what I’ve already been though and it’s only May! My South Africa trip in July culminates my desert journey and I am filled with hope and trust in God about the goodness that awaits me. Until then, I am focused on fully experiencing each moment, seeing what God has to say to me.

I’m volunteering on Saturday at Chicago’s Green Festival, and am looking forward to making a batch of organic soup this weekend, along with time on Sunday spent at the monastery, and a bike ride on the trails at Morton Arboretum!

Tonight, the trails at Herrick Lake await my swift feet!

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

grasping for intimacy

Grasping for intimacy is a concept that I’ve been pondering. It seems that when I’ve grasped for intimacy, oneness, or community, I’ve lost it. Lately, I’ve felt that my sense of needing to grasp for it has been greatly curbed, even died, in this desert journey of mine. I’ve been settling into a feeling of gratefulness when it is given to me, not taking it for granted and not knowing when those moments are expected to arrive: a phone call, an email, a visit, a text message, a card in the mail. I enjoy those surprise moments with immense pleasure and thankfulness towards God.

Intimacy with God and people is something that I want to gently receive and gently give. No one can force their way into my heart and life, much less I into theirs. Upon receipt of someone’s precious heartfelt thoughts and feelings, I look upon it as if I was handed an incredibly delicate and fragile object. The way that I receive it, hold it, and return it is a gentle dance that does not involving grasping. So often lately, I’ve tasted moments of joy or intimacy and wanted to hold on for as long as possible. Yet, God continues to ask me to let go and I’m constantly surprised by what He hands me back. The feelings, dreams, desires, and relationships that I let go are sometimes returned to me with full measure and even more hope and joy than when I first experienced them.

Today’s meditation below by Henri Nouwen on dying well makes me think about dying to my self-will. I was reading again last night from Pennington’s book on Listening with Your Heart and he wrote about three human tendencies: singularity, self-will and instability. Vows to the common life (oneness of community), obedience (submission and humility) and stability (life-long commitment) are meant to help counter these tendencies. They are upheld with humility and a heart of peace that seeks balance in all life’s moments of ordinariness and joys. This is what I seek to live out.

I pray to be comforted as I continue this solitary journey in the desert and I am grateful that nothing about me is unchangeable as long as it is surrendered to my Abba.

Praying to Die Well, reflection by Henri Nouwen

“Many people say, "I am not afraid of death, but I am afraid of dying." This is quite understandable, since dying often means illness, pain, dependency, and loneliness.

The fear of dying is nothing to be ashamed of. It is the most human of all human fears. Jesus himself entered into that fear. In his anguish "sweat fell to the ground like great drops of blood" (Luke 22:44). How must we deal with our fear of dying? Like Jesus we must pray that we may receive special strength to make the great passage to new life. Then we can trust that God will send us an angel to comfort us, as he sent an angel to Jesus.”

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Singularity - Pride - American Culture

“The purpose of Benedictine spirituality is to gather equally committed adults for a journey through earthen darkness to the dazzling light that already flames in each of us, but in a hidden place left to each of us to find.“ Source: Daily Insights

I’ve been prayerfully meditating on several things almost daily and have already been immeasurably influenced:

Psalms
Daily Insights – a commentary on the Rule of St. Benedict
Daily Reading of the Rule of St. Benedict
Basil Pennington’s book: “Listen with your Heart”

While reading a chapter from Pennington’s book on the types of monastic people, I was immediately convicted. There is this idea of singularity, which in Benedictine spirituality, is countered by the vow to the common life. Singularity describes one’s innate desire to stand out, to not be seen as part of the masses, or at its extreme, to be great(er). Its foundation is pride and stands in complete antithesis to obedience and humility which are fundamental requirements of someone seeking God.

But, this idea of singularity is also part of what I’ve been taught since I was a child that it means to be an American. If I studied/worked/dreamed hard enough, long enough and utilized my gifts to their max, I could be “something”. I could be “somebody”, (because being a “nobody” is the quintessential terror in a crowded room full of pretty, witty and wise people.) So, long ago, I determined to be a “somebody”.

Now, I’m being convicted of such longings and God is cutting away the motivations that are not righteous. While doing well, working excellently, developing and stewarding one’s gifts are all good and worthy activities, God certainly is concerned about the heart motivations for doing even those good things.

On this 44^th day of my desert journey, confronting the vices of flesh and thought, I continue to be surprised about ways in which I’ve been blinded to the depths of my own heart. In the Psalms, it says that God reveals to us the depths of our heart and that our hearts have deceived us. Despite how often I think I’m doing things for the right reasons, or wanting to serve God or others in the right ways, I am desperately reliant on Him to reveal to me the truest contents of my heart.

Daily Meditations by Henri Nouwen
Holding the Cup

“We all must hold the cups of our lives. As we grow older and become more fully aware of the many sorrows of life - personal failures, family conflicts, disappointments in work and social life, and the many pains surrounding us on the national and international scene - everything within and around us conspires to make us ignore, avoid, suppress, or simply deny these sorrows. "Look at the sunny side of life and make the best of it," we say to ourselves and hear others say to us. But when we want to drink the cups of our lives, we need first to hold them, to fully acknowledge what we are living, trusting that by not avoiding but befriending our sorrows we will discover the true joy we are looking for right in the midst of our sorrows.”

Monday, May 05, 2008

spiritual blindness

Spiritual blindness caused by sin is a funny thing; no laughing matter to be sure. You can be quite religious and spiritual, but not know you’re blind. The light you think you see is coming from your own sense of piety, purity and righteousness, rather than a reflection of the humility of the light of God. That pretty much described me.

One of the first things I realize, when I begin again anew after a time of wandering, is how much of a wretch I (still) am. I’m suffering in this desert wasteland, although I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. There’s no one that can take away this kind of soul pain, or distract me long enough from the tears of remorse and repentance. I’m experiencing desert spirituality. Although I know this is only a season of growth and it has an end date, I know that there is no turning back – I must endure and keep walking forward to get to the other side of this dry place of scourging. It is here in the desert that I am discovering my true self and not the self that I purport to be. God can only transform my true self, not the self that I want to be or see myself becoming. The true self is grounded only in the present moment. Here and now, I am a wretch. Here and now, I need God to help me take another breath and to take one more step. At times, I’ve been weak and begged God to put me in a spiritual coma so that I could just wake up when He was done with the surgery. It’s been that painful. Every day since this desert journey began 36 days ago, I wake up with an ache and in the evening, I am praying for help in calming my soul so that I can sleep in peace. I need God every moment just to function in my normal everyday tasks. I cannot survive without God. I have tried and I have died.

It’s truly amazing about blindness, but no amount of positive awe is involved. I thought I loved well; I thought I served well; I thought I sacrificed and thought more highly of the other; I thought I submitted; I thought things were going generally well. I thought.

Ha! That’s the thing about blindness. You’re blind and don’t know what you’re not seeing until someone tells you or shows you. Those people who do show you, if done in love and gentleness of spirit, are the ones that Psalms talks about : “wounds from a friend you can trust”. I’m so grateful that I have a few of those in my life. I’m grateful for the ones that stayed around and for the ones that didn’t. I pray for reconciliation. I pray for restoration. But, I pray for God’s will. Bring it on, I say! I will endure, I will not stay this way! Nothing about me is unchangeable.

I pray…

I hope…

I believe…

Sunday, May 04, 2008

desert spirituality

I will write more on desert spirituality later, but wanted to post this dictionary.com word of the day that I feel describes what’s going on with me lately.

Disparate comes from the past participle of Latin disparare, "to separate," from dis-, "apart" + parare, "to prepare."

disparate \DIS-puh-rit; dis-PAIR-it\, adjective:

1. Fundamentally different or distinct in quality or kind.

2. Composed of or including markedly dissimilar elements.

I recognize that clinging to the self-will means that I will lose all that I cling to. Two days prior to the beginning of my desert experience (Friday night, March 29), God clearly told me to let go – I journaled about it that night. I begged Him to tell me: let go for how long? let go as in forever? let go as in mentally or emotionally? Ha! God didn’t clarify, he just expected obedience. So, two days later, instead of holding on and fighting for something, I let go and fell and fell and fell into the arms of God. Sometimes you get back what you let go, sometimes you don’t. I still don’t know what the future holds in that area, but pray that God’s will be done in my life. I want God’s desires to be my own and I am allowing my desires, my plans, my dreams, my hopes to die. I want to die so that He may live in me. I want to become less, that He may become more. And, I am dying and drowning and sputtering as I try not to inhale the salt water in this desert of mine. But, every now and then I am able to catch a few breaths as I learn to live in a way that seemed impossible to me before. I live for those moments of joy and air and light. They are few each day, and sometimes few each week, but they are beautiful. In those moments, I catch a glimpse of who God is forming me to be. I look down and catch a glimpse of my former self that has died and drowned. And, in those moments, I am bowing down in holy fear and awe of the light of God that emanates from me and that I see in the world around me. I pray for more of those moments each day. It is like being really thirsty and weary, and having someone giving you a few droppers filled with water on your tongue. It is not enough! But, it is joy in that one moment and makes me long even more.

Friday, May 02, 2008

i once was lost...

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

T'was Grace that taught...
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares...
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home.

The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures.

When we've been here ten thousand years...
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise...
then when we've first begun.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.”

Psalm 130
Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord,
Lord, hear my voice!
O let your ears be attentive
to the voice of my pleading.

If you, O Lord, should mark our guilt,
Lord, who would survive?
But with you is found forgiveness:
for this we revere you.

My soul is waiting for the Lord.
I count on his word.
My soul is longing for the Lord
more than those who watch for daybreak.
(Let the watchers count on daybreak
and Israel on the Lord.)

Because with the Lord there is mercy
and fullness of redemption,
Israel indeed he will redeem
from all its iniquity.

navigating paths of spiritual formation and life

: Name: Kris Socall; Location: Lisle, Illinois, United States

I'm seeking death of self in order that Christ may live in and love through me; falling in love with my Abba and being led by the Spirit. I have a passion to build community, inspire hope, motivate the weary & practically assist the sojourner; also known by some as Co-Coordinator, Up/rooted.west, an Emergent Cohort; I pay the bills by doing accounting and am pursuing my MBA in Intl. Economic Development at Eastern University.

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