wurdle
I threw my blog url into this link: http://www.wordle.net/and it created this image based on the words I've used in blog posts. I love it!
In a Christian understanding of development work, Christ is the Way, the method, the reality, the impetus, the tools, the solution and the goal. When a community of transformed people incarnates Him in everything we do, how we do it and wherever we go, we become a community of shalom wherein which righteous Love and justice reign; we become the vision of transformational development; we live out the Spirit-infused and empowered Kingdom reality as the alternative to the problem of the brokenness of people and their relationships with God, themselves, with each other and with the planet in this interconnected physical-spiritual system. Can we actually overcome the problem of poverty? Surely, we can provide for material needs, but poverty is so much more encompassing; it is wholistic brokenness: relational, spiritual and physical. On this side of mortality, we will always have poverty of spirit, sin, brokenness, a distorted sense of identity and vocations, and relational destructive patterns that kill the very life and unity of the community we try to create. We will always have an enemy that riles up our sinful tendencies and provokes people to act upon them. The more materially affluent people become, the less they seem to wake up desperate for God to help them through the day. A key to transformation then, is humility and downwardly descending into almost a suicide of self as we daily pray to become less that Christ may become more in us. A vision of transformational development involves first the willing, living sacrifice, surrender and death of self for the service of God and the other. As a popular song lyric reminds: “My God, my tourniquet; Christ, my suicide.” The prevailing vision of the Kingdom to come seems so far off, it is at times discouraging to be fully present in reality. Yet, this is what Christ asks us to do. We are to be fully present in the day called Today, inviting God into the moment at the same time as we live with the hope of a reality yet to be. We are called Today, by God, to join with Him into rest, into an embrace, into mourning, into rejoicing with those who rejoice, into suffering and rejection, into compassion, mercy and faith, hope and love, into a light load of carrying each other’s burdens; and we are asked to offer hospitality to all people as if we were receiving Christ into our presence. We must approach our personal and organizational partnerships with these practices and values in mind; and humbly make them our actions. Secondly, a vision of transformational development inspired by humility and sacrifice of self involves a process wherein we come up underneath someone and elevate them to a higher place, a place where they/God desires them to be, and wherein they become the focus of our spotlight of Love-inspired word, deed and sign. Holding them up, we also show them in word, deed and sign, a mirror of their God-given identity and allow them to also hold up a mirror to us. This elevating of the other involves listening to their story and discovering and reflecting back to them where God is seen to have been and is at work. Together, with mutual vulnerability, a new story can be written with the Spirit’s presence and redemptive activity.
Fr. Richard Rohr Daily Meditations:
All this is only the beginning of the birthpangs. Matthew 24:8, JB
"Birthpangs is an image of something painful that is bringing about something better. The price for bringing about something better is to go through the pain of birth. Male gods create by a flick of their creative finger. Female gods create by labor pains. Much of patriarchal Christian interpretation has been trying to avoid pain; it thought birthpangs were unnecessary. That's why we couldn't hear Jesus. If we had an image of God as the great Mother who is birthing, I think birthpangs would have been preached about a lot more. And a woman, at least a woman who has had a child, understands something I will never understand: the connection between pain and life."
Depending on the day, I've been saying, "Bring on the pain!" or "Dear Lord - just give me 1 second to breathe without the pain - I need a break"
Finding a balance between the two is the tension of life.
In my experiences as a church attendee, church staffer, church volunteer, and as a missiological, ecclesiological, mystical and monastic wisdom-lover– I’ve experienced churches which tend to compartmentalize people and the Gospel to such an extent that it almost has no relevance anymore on everyday life. As Dallas Willard describes, churches have relegated the Gospel to simply “fire-insurance” and fill their pews with people looking to be saved from the fires of Hell, but lack any idea what role God should be playing in their lives in the here and now, much less how to invite God to truly be lord and master of their everyday relationships, decisions and resources. Secondly, people in church organizations are often categorized and database-filed by affinity, age, gender, critical needs, spiritual journey classification, or interest affiliation. While the classifications are helpful to some extent at determining how to direct limited church resources, these methods relegate a church to simply becoming a provider of religious goods and services (as aptly described in the book Missional Church edited by Darrel Guder) and only serve to further bring division as church leaders segregate and compartmentalize people and relationships. Rather than playing key roles in the ministry of reconciliation (reconciling one to another, and a community unto God – the perfect example of a community), churches instead become the main contributors of the problem of division and disunity. It has long been my dream to build something different – following the paths of other pioneers around the world and throughout history who have continually re-imagined what “can be”, despite the overwhelming presence of what “is”.
Ron Sider asks in Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger, “Is God biased in favor of the poor?” My fellow sojourners who espouse the dangers of the consumeristic, materialistic, non-wholistic, ethnocentric, wealthy, and comfortable American life would say so. They talk of relocating to abandoned places of the empire—poverty-stricken, typically non-white, ecologically and economically-challenged areas. In the presence of such impassioned and prophetic voices, I feel the need to clarify that not all are called to that mission (relocation to urban or even international locations), all of the time. My current calling is to develop my God-given gifts in graduate school, while being salt and light in the corporate cubicles of a Chicago business, to live economically in the suburbs and to learn to love my neighbors in an isolated community where it’s quite easy to live there for years and never know the name of the person directly across the street. My community development calling is to listen, love, and obey the voice of God where I’m at. My daily lifestyle is more of a challenge and hardship than if I were to relocate to the inner, urban city. By staying in the complacent suburbs and calling my fellow neighbors to awaken to the reality of how intricately their breakfast of Kellogg Corn Flakes and Chilean blueberries is connected to a family in poverty in the developing world, I need God desperately to help me love and not condemn, listen and not sermonize, and see my neighbors and coworkers without contempt, valuing them as fellow children of God. I think it might be too comfortable for me to move, too easy – for I’d be too prone to self-righteous pride were I an inner-city dweller of poverty and anonymity-renown. Yet, in my cubicle corporate city work and suburban home life, I am daily challenged to live in such a way that does not meld me, my home, my car, my food and my life’s rhythms into the grey backdrop of monotony and blandness that typifies the suburbs. Sider asks, “Does God command his people to have a special concern for the poor? In what ways does God identify with the poor?” I’m daily struggling to live out the obvious answers to those questions in a practical way. How should I, in my corporate job that’s paying for most of my grad school, still live the next three years in a manner consistent with my beliefs? Does making money now make me the disdain of my gypsy-vagabond, dumpster-diving, train-hopping, veggie-car driving, and passionate, prophetic compatriots? What should I do about the mentally-ill, homeless Becky who garbles her request for money to me as I pass her by on the bridge each day? How do I wisely allocate my time between God, personal health, family, friends, community, neighbors, researching what to buy that lines up with my values, learning how to make clothes and justice-minded, ecology-considerate and bodily-healthy food recipes, on top of working full-time and going to graduate school? It’s a daily struggle requiring a daily conversion and a sensitive ear to the voice of God who whispers direction, love, wisdom and truth in my ears – if only I’m listening with ears that hear and see Him everywhere with eyes that see.
Spiritual disciplines, grad school homework, funerals, hurting friends, a full-time job, working out, serving projects, family drama, and my own personal drama sure do keep my time occupied - as I'm sure for you as well! I'm not sure how Americans stay sane considering our lifestyles that keep us hopping and always occupied - sometimes even good spiritual activities just seem like another appointment block on my Outlook calendar. It's one of the reasons why the regular practice of Sabbath has been crucial for my life. There is a time for work, for play and for rest and God is with me through all the sacred ordinariness of life. Although, at times, I am simply overwhelmed with the world's crises and injustices that just seem to be never ending and there is still much work to be done. Learning how to recharge and find balance is critical!
I heard a woman speak last night about an experience she had in an orphanage in Ghana. She walked into a concrete warehouse open room filled with hundreds of crying, crawling and walking infants under 3 years old. Being overwhelmed with the desire to pick one up, to comfort at least just one affection-starved child, she asked if she could hold one. She was stunned by the response - "No, don't! They'll get used to being held and they'll cry even more and it will make it even worse! But, come here, let us show you something."
They took her to a room off to the side of the open warehouse where she could smell sweet perfume coming from under the door. They cracked the door open where she could see an older white-haired woman sitting on a mat on the floor, surrounded by candles and sweet perfume oils. This woman was holding one baby, massaging its back with perfumed oil and the baby had a wide-eyed look of ecstasy - soaking it all in! She was told that each baby gets two hours each week in the "holding room of intense compassion".
You may not have the capacity to hold the entire world's pain in your arms, but to whom are you called to offer love, compassion and holding? To whomever that is, I encourage you to do it intensely and surround yourselves with people who will support your arms when they become too heavy to hold anymore!
I pray that you are enjoying God and the divine work He has invited you into and that your life is filled with fellow God-lovers and laborers who will encourage your journey when you become weary! Wherever the disciples went, they encouraged one another. May we strive to do the same today as we are no less in need of encouragement!
I’m grateful today for
the faithful presence of Truth and Divine Love in my life
friends who remind me of Him
mentors who tell me what decades of life and perspective will teach
fair trade coffee with pumpkin pie spice creamer
the smell of cinnamon raisen toast and fresh baked bread
ginger peach tea
fall leaves crunching under my feet
compassionate strangers and future friends
theology pub discussion this weekend
a new red dress from a friend who cares
blooming flowers in my home
apple cidar and apple cidar donuts from the orchard
sweet vanilla candles and citrus lotion
pumpkin carving party
Ella Fitzgerald and
beautiful photography
plans for Christmas decorating
“People in the western world have been trained in power and performance but not imperfection, detachment, letting go and least of all surrender. Surrender, to western people, sounds like losing when it's actually accessing a deeper, broader sense of the self which is already content and abundant. Once you move to that level of deeper contentment and deeper abundance you simply can't be drawn easily into these scarcity models—I'm not enough, this is not enough—you are overwhelmed by enoughness!”
I have had dreams about spiritual blindness these past 7 months. Here are some of the lessons I’ve been learning as I’m trying to extend Christ’s love to the blind.
People who are blind will one day wake up and realize what they haven’t been seeing.
Joan Chittister writes in today’s reflections on the Rule of St. Benedict
“At the same time, work is not what defines the Benedictine. It is the single-minded search for God that defines Benedictine spirituality. That is what the monastic pursues behind every other pursuit. That is what gives the monastic life meaning. That is what frees the monastic heart. The monastic does not exist for work. Creative and productive work are simply meant to enhance the Garden and sustain us while we grow into God.
In today's culture in which people are identified more by what they do than what they are, this is a lesson of profound importance. Once the retirement dinner is over and the company watch is engraved, there has to be something left in life that makes us human and makes us happy or life may well have been in vain. That something, Benedictine spirituality indicates, is a mind and a heart full of a sense of meaning and an instinct for God.”
After an intense 3 weeks in
I am grateful. I am joyous. I am sorrowful. I am ecstatic. I am free to be fully alive!
St. Theresa of
She also said, “Just these two words He spoke changed my life: ‘Enjoy me’.”
I want to dance and sing and twirl my skirt around in the grass barefoot! I want to lie down in the grass and stare at the clouds and trees and let my thoughts wander. I want to take pictures of the beauty all around me and frame it for my walls. I want to seek out a new soundtrack for my life and discover new musicians and songs that move me inside! I want to go to art exhibits and be inspired to hope for a better world. I want to paint and stitch and create beauty in all I do! I want to watch old movies in parks, learn to play an Irish jig and a soulfully moving melody on the flute, experiment with new cooking recipes, host dinner parties and deliver home-made bread to my friends. I want to try new wines, cheeses, chocolates and stir-fry sauces. I want to paint my home with the colors of nature and do yoga on my patio overlooking the lake. I want to be surrounded by colorful flowers and a multitude of vibrant green plants. I want to learn to rock climb and roller-blade. I want to eat my lunch every day by the
I want to enjoy life to its fullest, because I feel fully alive!
Each day, I am listening for His song and enjoying Him! I am being romanced by the lover of my soul. In this moment, I am so loved and I am basking in the joy that it brings to my life. For the last two years, I have been a drag – to myself and to others – a fatigued and difficult person to be around. And now, it feels so good to be reborn and to have healthy rhythms that are so life-giving!
Many people are surprised at how well I seem to be doing, considering some circumstances that have been going on. But, God is the only person I can ever say I can never live without and I’m living that truly, madly, deeply, each day!
I have so many exciting things coming up this summer to look forward to! I am going to be getting involved in a women’s Bible study, hanging out at the Benedictine monastery/assisted living facility, volunteering with a dear friend at a vulnerable children’s organization in
Plus, I’m really looking forward to outdoor movies at Grant Park in August: “An Affair to Remember” and “Grease” (one of my favorite childhood movies). Last night, I was at a concert at the
Tomorrow, I have plans with another really encouraging friend to shop at the local farmer’s market for fresh fruit/veggies and then we’re heading to Morton Arboretum for their Japanese celebration and biking. It’s so good to be back and be surrounded by such amazing opportunities and people!
By Christmas, I should hit my physical fitness goals and move into a more reasonable maintenance stage of lifestyle. I am still having a blast experimenting with new cooking recipes and exploring some new hobbies! Someone (who’s Korean) from work is going to teach me how to make Korean sauces and dishes and I’ve got a vegan dinner party that’s going on the calendar soon too! A Thai refugee high school student that my mom is tutoring offered to cook Thai food for my family, so I’ll be learning how to make some Thai dishes as well. I start flute lessons this Sunday, am taking a hip hop dance class and looking for a needlepoint project to start. I am in a great pilates class twice a week and will start meeting with a personal trainer to do some strength training as well. I’m also walking 3 miles a day to the train and back home in addition to my regular exercise classes at the health club. I’ve started swimming as well, which for many people who know me is one of the most exhilarating feelings for me! I love the water!
Coming back home and dealing with jet lag this past week has also really been good! It means that I go to sleep early and wake up earlier. Every morning this week, I’ve had time to make caramel soy lattes for myself and enjoy breakfast and a spiritual reflection time as the sun rises. It’s been great to have that time!
Thank you to all the women in my life right now who are so encouraging to me and praying for me and without whom I would not be doing well! God has been sheltering me, guarding my heart, comforting and guiding me forward. He is faithful and never changes his mind about wanting to be near us and love us! It feels so secure and safe to know that and inspires in me such great joy in the midst of difficult times!
I’m still moody and one minute I’m okay, the next I’m not. I sense God speaking so clearly so often now about exactly what I need to hear. Two nights ago, I was holding an object that held some memories while debating my options about moving to another city, state or country, and I was reminded that I should carry my story with me, not leave it behind, try to get rid of it, forget it or even hide it away in a box.
So, today, I’m carrying that object with me as a reminder of the person I’m becoming because of the story of the past few years of my life. I am irrevocably changed and grateful in huge measure for the person I’ve become and am becoming because of the influence of other people in my life and God’s transforming powerful, loving presence.
I’ve also adopted a new name (along with a new wardrobe considering none of my old clothes fit anymore – due to an exercise/eating plan that I’ve been on for the last four months and am still on). I will be introducing myself as Kris going forward. Many of my closest friends and family already call me that anyway, so it will stick easily! I have a lot of reasons for the name change, but the main one is just a reminder that I have died and been reborn. I must continue to become less so that Christ can become more in me. The shortened version of my name reminds me that I must become less each day and continue to die to what I want in order to truly let Love flow out of me. Everything I’m doing seems so counter-intuitive, but I’m at peace knowing that as the people of God, we will plan our steps, but God will ultimately direct our course in the end – the story is still unwritten.
Two months ago, I was warned in a dream about a spirit of competition and winning. I was told by someone in the dream that I wasn’t as competitive and that’s why I lost and I was being egged on to fight back and try to win. And, in the dream, the object of the contest was unaware and blinded to all that was going on and the true intentions of the hearts (as this person egging me on had become someone other than their true self in order to win).
I won’t compete. Loving means losing and sacrificing what I want for the benefit of another and that’s what I plan to do. I will lose.
I sense God’s timing and control over my life and the situations surrounding it. Everything seems divinely ordained and ordered right now. I couldn’t have wished for better timing for anything that happened!
I’m back from
As of yesterday, I feel absolutely set free from so much that was holding me back during the last four months and am really thrilled to be moving on and forward! Much of the last four months were filled with many questions and it was a time of waiting, but now I can move forward! Woohoooooo!! I know where I’m headed, what I want and I have great companions to travel with.
Plus, I have an entirely new wardrobe as of this past weekend! I was waiting until I returned to give away 99% of my old clothes and shoes! I feel AMAZING and have the new clothes and shoes now to go with the new person I’ve become!
During the last four months of a desert journey, I have grown in such deep ways; I feel I’ve aged years. I view and interact with people really differently and have great new friends that I’ve made along this journey! I love them to pieces and they’ve been such an encouragement to me! Now, I’m just looking forward to having some fun, learning in my classes that will continue online, getting plugged back into some volunteer roles, staying in the monastery Oblate program, and working!
I am just beaming today!
Hear me my Beloved!
You are precious. I delight in you. You make me smile! I am pleased with you, come to me, allow me to love you, come to me with undefended vulnerability. Allow my love to transform you in ways that are unima
Come to me, listen to what I would have to say to you through you story, through the people around you. Listen. Listen. Come.
I had another strange dream last night! I’ve been having quite a few lately and most are further motivating me to prayer for various things going on in my life or in other people’s lives. This dream involved a female monk (but, she was in a typical casual attire – tiny frame, short and dark straight hair) that I and another guy were seeking guidance from; there were 3 hidden exit passageways that the monk showed me how she came and went from the room where she was sitting, and outside there was an elevated moving walkway heading into a bad part of the city where there was a guy dealing drugs on it. As I don’t watch TV and have been rarely watching movies, I’m not sure where the imagery would be coming from in this dream. I tend to pay attention to my dreams, especially because there are certain times that they just stay with me and are meaningful to me or to others. If you have any thoughts as to the symbolism, let me know!
On another note: my life as I knew it is now over for the next 3 years! Today, I just received the syllabus for the courses that I’m taking in
Today it seems, all the daily readings are focused on my will vs. the will of God. I’m contemplating what it means to really die to my own desires. How do I still desire something, but yet die to it? How do I pray for God’s will and not my own (outside of just mouthing those words)?
That’s all for now! Today is day 60 of my desert journey and I’m still deep in the midst of the desert heat…there’s been a few oases here and there, but I’m still painfully growing and realizing things. Onward!
I have been just filled with joy this morning and all last night! I could barely sleep because I wanted to just sing and dance around! Silly me!
Today’s meditation by Henri Nouwen is quite relevant to what I’ve been so grateful for lately:
Jesus' Compassion
“Jesus is called Emmanuel which means "God-with-us" (see Matthew 1: 22-23). The great paradox of Jesus' life is that he, whose words and actions are in no way influenced by human blame or praise but are completely dependent on God's will, is more "with" us than any other human being.
Jesus' compassion, his deep feeling-with us, is possible because his life is guided not by human respect but only by the love of his heavenly Father. Indeed, Jesus is free to love us because he is not dependent on our love.”
I am loved regardless…! That has made me exquisitely happy and it make me feel so free to love back, imperfectly so, but the freedom it brings it so exhilarating!
Yesterday, I had an absolutely fabulous day! I am more than ever grateful for the events that have happened in my recent past, which have drawn me ever so close to the lover of my soul, my Abba. Lately, my dreams send multiple warnings and call me to prayer for those I love. So, I've continued to add my prayers towards a spiritual battle for the character and love of Christ that is at stake of being tempted away through worldly counsel and deceptive and competitive intentions. I am grateful to know Love and I am holding strong to the love of the Father, who keeps on giving, no matter how many times I don’t measure up. That is grace! I don't just know that God extends grace, I've experienced it and it is beautiful to be its recipient!
God reminded me of the following verses over the last few days and they've been my meditation and consolation as I trust Him during these uncertain times.Today’s meditation on the Rule of St. Benedict was especially meaningful to me:
Jan. 19 - May 20 - Sept. 19
Your way of acting should be different from the world's way; the love of Christ must come before all else. You are not to act in anger or nurse a grudge. Rid your heart of all deceit. Never give a hollow greeting of peace or turn away when someone needs your love. Bind yourself to no oath lest it prove false, but speak the truth with heart and tongue.
The end of Benedictine spirituality is to develop a transparent personality. Dissimulation, half answers, vindictive attitudes, a false presentation of self are all barbs in the soul of the monastic. Holiness, this ancient Rule says to a culture that has made crafty packaging high art, has something to do with being who we say we are, claiming our truths, opening our hearts, giving ourselves to the other pure and unglossed. Shakespeare's Hamlet noted once: "A man can smile and smile and be a villain." Benedict is intent on developing people who are what they seem to be.
"Do not repay one bad turn with another (1 Thes 5:15; 1 Pt 3:9)." Do not injure anyone, but bear injuries patiently. "Love your enemies (Mt 5:44; Lk 6:27)." If people curse you, do not curse them back but bless them instead. "Endure persecution for the sake of justice (Mt 5:10)."
A peacemaker's paragraph, this one confronts us with the Gospel stripped and unadorned. Nonviolence, it says, is the center of the monastic life. It doesn't talk about conflict resolution; it says, don't begin the conflict. It doesn't talk about communication barriers; it says, stay gentle even with those who are not gentle with you. It doesn't talk about winning; it talks about loving.
Most of all, perhaps, it offers us no false hope that all these attempts will really change anything. No, it says instead that we must be prepared to bear whatever blows it takes for the sake of justice, quietly, gently, even lovingly with never a blow in return.
A story from the
One day, at the end of his most recent assault, he was informed by one of his officers that, fearing him, all the people had already fled the town, with the exception of one monk who had remained in his monastery going about the order of the day.
The general was infuriated at the audacity of the monk and sent the soldiers to drag him to his tent.
"Do you not know who I am?" he roared at the monk, "I am he who can run you through with a sword and never bat an eyelash."
But the monk replied quietly, "And do you not know who I am? I am he who can let you run me through with a sword and never bat an eyelash."
Nonviolence plunges the monastic into the core of Christianity and allows for no rationalizations. Monastic spirituality is Christianity to the hilt. It calls for national policies that take the poor into first account; it calls for a work life that does not bully underlings or undercut the competition; it calls for families that talk to one another tenderly; it calls for a foreign policy not based on force. Violence has simply no place in the monastic heart.
"You must not be proud, nor be given to wine (Ti 1:7; I Tm 3:3)." Refrain from too much eating or sleeping, and "from laziness (Rom 12:11)." Do not grumble or speak ill of others.
In the Tao Te Ching it reads:
Be content with what you have;
rejoice in the way things are,
When you realize there is nothing lacking
the whole world belongs to you.
Benedict reminds us, too, that physical control and spiritual perspective are linked: pride and gluttony and laziness are of a piece. We expect too much, we consume too much and we contribute too little. We give ourselves over to ourselves. We become engorged with ourselves and, as a result, there is no room left for the stripped down, stark and simple furniture of the soul.
I am daily making a recovery from fatigue. It began about mid-December and got to its
The fatigue impaired my perception of myself and others. Now that I am daily recovering due to drastic changes in spiritual disciplines, eating, sleeping, and exercise rhythms, my eyes see the truth much more clearly of what was a previously muddled situation. Sometimes I just want to kick myself over and over. If only… Why just now do I realize…? Ergh!
The pain of the realizations hasn’t decreased, it’s still going. By the end of this desert journey I’ve undertaken, I will have spent 6 months living in a state of distress: part negative living and part positively establishing new habits and abolishing old ones. I’m overwhelmed just thinking about what I’ve already been though and it’s only May! My
I’m volunteering on Saturday at
Tonight, the trails at
Grasping for intimacy is a concept that I’ve been pondering. It seems that when I’ve grasped for intimacy, oneness, or community, I’ve lost it. Lately, I’ve felt that my sense of needing to grasp for it has been greatly curbed, even died, in this desert journey of mine. I’ve been settling into a feeling of gratefulness when it is given to me, not taking it for granted and not knowing when those moments are expected to arrive: a phone call, an email, a visit, a text message, a card in the mail. I enjoy those surprise moments with immense pleasure and thankfulness towards God.
Intimacy with God and people is something that I want to gently receive and gently give. No one can force their way into my heart and life, much less I into theirs. Upon receipt of someone’s precious heartfelt thoughts and feelings, I look upon it as if I was handed an incredibly delicate and fragile object. The way that I receive it, hold it, and return it is a gentle dance that does not involving grasping. So often lately, I’ve tasted moments of joy or intimacy and wanted to hold on for as long as possible. Yet, God continues to ask me to let go and I’m constantly surprised by what He hands me back. The feelings, dreams, desires, and relationships that I let go are sometimes returned to me with full measure and even more hope and joy than when I first experienced them.
Today’s meditation below by Henri Nouwen on dying well makes me think about dying to my self-will. I was reading again last night from Pennington’s book on Listening with Your Heart and he wrote about three human tendencies: singularity, self-will and instability. Vows to the common life (oneness of community), obedience (submission and humility) and stability (life-long commitment) are meant to help counter these tendencies. They are upheld with humility and a heart of peace that seeks balance in all life’s moments of ordinariness and joys. This is what I seek to live out.
I pray to be comforted as I continue this solitary journey in the desert and I am grateful that nothing about me is unchangeable as long as it is surrendered to my Abba.
Praying to Die Well, reflection by Henri Nouwen
“Many people say, "I am not afraid of death, but I am afraid of dying." This is quite understandable, since dying often means illness, pain, dependency, and loneliness.
The fear of dying is nothing to be ashamed of. It is the most human of all human fears. Jesus himself entered into that fear. In his anguish "sweat fell to the ground like great drops of blood" (Luke 22:44). How must we deal with our fear of dying? Like Jesus we must pray that we may receive special strength to make the great passage to new life. Then we can trust that God will send us an angel to comfort us, as he sent an angel to Jesus.”
“The purpose of Benedictine spirituality is to gather equally committed adults for a journey through earthen darkness to the dazzling light that already flames in each of us, but in a hidden place left to each of us to find.“ Source: Daily Insights
I’ve been prayerfully meditating on several things almost daily and have already been immeasurably influenced:
Psalms
Daily Insights – a commentary on the Rule of St. Benedict
Daily Reading of the Rule of St. Benedict
Basil Pennington’s book: “Listen with your Heart”
While reading a chapter from Pennington’s book on the types of monastic people, I was immediately convicted. There is this idea of singularity, which in Benedictine spirituality, is countered by the vow to the common life. Singularity describes one’s innate desire to stand out, to not be seen as part of the masses, or at its extreme, to be great(er). Its foundation is pride and stands in complete antithesis to obedience and humility which are fundamental requirements of someone seeking God.
But, this idea of singularity is also part of what I’ve been taught since I was a child that it means to be an American. If I studied/worked/dreamed hard enough, long enough and utilized my gifts to their max, I could be “something”. I could be “somebody”, (because being a “nobody” is the quintessential terror in a crowded room full of pretty, witty and wise people.) So, long ago, I determined to be a “somebody”.
Now, I’m being convicted of such longings and God is cutting away the motivations that are not righteous. While doing well, working excellently, developing and stewarding one’s gifts are all good and worthy activities, God certainly is concerned about the heart motivations for doing even those good things.
On this 44th day of my desert journey, confronting the vices of flesh and thought, I continue to be surprised about ways in which I’ve been blinded to the depths of my own heart. In the Psalms, it says that God reveals to us the depths of our heart and that our hearts have deceived us. Despite how often I think I’m doing things for the right reasons, or wanting to serve God or others in the right ways, I am desperately reliant on Him to reveal to me the truest contents of my heart.
Daily Meditations by Henri Nouwen
Holding the Cup
“We all must hold the cups of our lives. As we grow older and become more fully aware of the many sorrows of life - personal failures, family conflicts, disappointments in work and social life, and the many pains surrounding us on the national and international scene - everything within and around us conspires to make us ignore, avoid, suppress, or simply deny these sorrows. "Look at the sunny side of life and make the best of it," we say to ourselves and hear others say to us. But when we want to drink the cups of our lives, we need first to hold them, to fully acknowledge what we are living, trusting that by not avoiding but befriending our sorrows we will discover the true joy we are looking for right in the midst of our sorrows.”
Spiritual blindness caused by sin is a funny thing; no laughing matter to be sure. You can be quite religious and spiritual, but not know you’re blind. The light you think you see is coming from your own sense of piety, purity and righteousness, rather than a reflection of the humility of the light of God. That pretty much described me.
One of the first things I realize, when I begin again anew after a time of wandering, is how much of a wretch I (still) am. I’m suffering in this desert wasteland, although I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. There’s no one that can take away this kind of soul pain, or distract me long enough from the tears of remorse and repentance. I’m experiencing desert spirituality. Although I know this is only a season of growth and it has an end date, I know that there is no turning back – I must endure and keep walking forward to get to the other side of this dry place of scourging. It is here in the desert that I am discovering my true self and not the self that I purport to be. God can only transform my true self, not the self that I want to be or see myself becoming. The true self is grounded only in the present moment. Here and now, I am a wretch. Here and now, I need God to help me take another breath and to take one more step. At times, I’ve been weak and begged God to put me in a spiritual coma so that I could just wake up when He was done with the surgery. It’s been that painful. Every day since this desert journey began 36 days ago, I wake up with an ache and in the evening, I am praying for help in calming my soul so that I can sleep in peace. I need God every moment just to function in my normal everyday tasks. I cannot survive without God. I have tried and I have died.
It’s truly amazing about blindness, but no amount of positive awe is involved. I thought I loved well; I thought I served well; I thought I sacrificed and thought more highly of the other; I thought I submitted; I thought things were going generally well. I thought.
Ha! That’s the thing about blindness. You’re blind and don’t know what you’re not seeing until someone tells you or shows you. Those people who do show you, if done in love and gentleness of spirit, are the ones that Psalms talks about : “wounds from a friend you can trust”. I’m so grateful that I have a few of those in my life. I’m grateful for the ones that stayed around and for the ones that didn’t. I pray for reconciliation. I pray for restoration. But, I pray for God’s will. Bring it on, I say! I will endure, I will not stay this way! Nothing about me is unchangeable.
I pray…
I hope…
I believe…
I will write more on desert spirituality later, but wanted to post this dictionary.com word of the day that I feel describes what’s going on with me lately.
Disparate comes from the past participle of Latin disparare, "to separate," from dis-, "apart" + parare, "to prepare."
disparate \DIS-puh-rit; dis-PAIR-it\, adjective:
1. Fundamentally different or distinct in quality or kind.
2. Composed of or including markedly dissimilar elements.
I recognize that clinging to the self-will means that I will lose all that I cling to. Two days prior to the beginning of my desert experience (Friday night, March 29), God clearly told me to let go – I journaled about it that night. I begged Him to tell me: let go for how long? let go as in forever? let go as in mentally or emotionally? Ha! God didn’t clarify, he just expected obedience. So, two days later, instead of holding on and fighting for something, I let go and fell and fell and fell into the arms of God. Sometimes you get back what you let go, sometimes you don’t. I still don’t know what the future holds in that area, but pray that God’s will be done in my life. I want God’s desires to be my own and I am allowing my desires, my plans, my dreams, my hopes to die. I want to die so that He may live in me. I want to become less, that He may become more. And, I am dying and drowning and sputtering as I try not to inhale the salt water in this desert of mine. But, every now and then I am able to catch a few breaths as I learn to live in a way that seemed impossible to me before. I live for those moments of joy and air and light. They are few each day, and sometimes few each week, but they are beautiful. In those moments, I catch a glimpse of who God is forming me to be. I look down and catch a glimpse of my former self that has died and drowned. And, in those moments, I am bowing down in holy fear and awe of the light of God that emanates from me and that I see in the world around me. I pray for more of those moments each day. It is like being really thirsty and weary, and having someone giving you a few droppers filled with water on your tongue. It is not enough! But, it is joy in that one moment and makes me long even more.
"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.
T'was Grace that taught...
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares...
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home.
The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures.
When we've been here ten thousand years...
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise...
then when we've first begun.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.”
Psalm 130
Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord,
Lord, hear my voice!
O let your ears be attentive
to the voice of my pleading.
If you, O Lord, should mark our guilt,
Lord, who would survive?
But with you is found forgiveness:
for this we revere you.
My soul is waiting for the Lord.
I count on his word.
My soul is longing for the Lord
more than those who watch for daybreak.
(Let the watchers count on daybreak
and
Because with the Lord there is mercy
and fullness of redemption,
from all its iniquity.